Illusion, Reality and Christian Marriage Reconsidered

 
November 17th, 2007 by Michael Spencer

A lot of Christian marriages annoy me. They seem too good to be true.
My wife and I are different from one another. Our personalities are different. Our temperaments are different. Our families of origin are different. Our handling of money is different. Our verbal style is different. Our approach to problem solving is different.
We have lots of small differences and some large ones. Our approaches to prayer are different. Our reading is different. Our spiritual paths are increasingly different. The ways we are different seem endless. The ways we are similar seem to get smaller and smaller.
Our great similarity is our common commitment to Jesus Christ, but we don’t have identical beliefs about what is in scripture. If we could attend what would be our ideal churches, we wouldn’t agree on what that church would be.
Don’t get me wrong. We love one another and we’ve stayed married for 29 years, through raising two kids and while I worked for various churches and ministries. We can compromise and we can sacrifice for the sake of one another and the marriage. Marriage is a journey that has made us love one another more, as well as confess that we need Christ more than we ever thought or felt at the beginning.
On this journey, the evangelical conception of “unity” in marriage has been difficult for us to appreciate, and in recent days, we’ve spent a lot of time working on how we understand the concept of unity in Christian marriage. Our marriage isn’t the version you find plastered on “Family Values” presentations. Growing in our understanding of the concept of spiritual unity is an ongoing process. One thing we agree one: the concept needs reconsideration and fresh application.
Of course, as I acknowledge this, I know from experience that there are hundreds of IM readers who have similar experiences. I believe we need to hear from one another. We need to break the silence and come out from behind the pretense.
The problem for me has been the evangelical conception of spiritual unity itself. In short, most evangelical views on submission and relationships in marriage promote a kind of unity that, in my opinion, frequently seems unhelpful, mythical and overdone.
Evangelical leaders bragging about the marriage has always seemed to me to be a very mixed bag. What are they saying? If you find the right person it’s instant bliss? With male leadership and a Bible you have no conflicts? The journey is good from start to finish and the only problems you will have happen if the wife doesn’t submit or the man doesn’t lead?
Where are the real marriages….please?
In evangelical circles- and especially reformed ones- you can immediately describe the ideal married couple. He works outside the home, she works in it. They agree on public school. They vote the same because they agree on all the expected political issues. They are in unity on all things relating to children, money and lifestyle because mom defers to dad on any issues of disagreement, and she believes it’s her God-given duty to do so. They have devotions together, pray together and, of course, go to the same church together where they both happily serve and support the pastor. If they argue, it’s over incidentals. On all the really important decisions, she gladly submits to him. In fact, mutually embracing their differing roles is the engine that keeps their marriage going. They enjoy the same hobbies and would always choose to be together if possible. Most importantly, their spiritual experiences, Biblical convictions and Christian beliefs are in harmony. Serious disagreement on spiritual matters is almost unthinkable.
One of the first reactions I have to this is that the Biblical texts that shape thee concept of unity and submission are frequently abused to the detriment of all of us who want to hear them as God’s word. Passages like Ephesians 5 describe the spiritual nature of a Christ-shaped marriage. The rest of the Bible describes for us real marriages, all less than ideal. Paul’s purpose is not to impose a kind of legalistic veneer over our lives. God certainly doesn’t want the church to become a parade of photo-shopped perfection where real sinners can never measure up. The bragging spirit of spin and hype infects many churches with the expectation of unrealistic unity.
Struggling marriages are usually just real marriages going through very typical problems. The shame of struggle and failure weighs heavy on many whose heart’s desire is to fulfill the beautiful description in Ephesians 5, but who live in a reality that still contains much remaining sin and imperfection.
Evangelical Christians, in fact, have promoted something that approaches “salvation by marriage” at times, and such a notion needs more than a little boundary setting to keep from being ridiculous. Sacramental and sanctifying language about marriage is appropriate, but not at the exclusion of the reality of who we are NOW- sinners in the hands of God through the mercy of Jesus Christ. The encouragement of marriage that goes on among many evangelicals is nothing less than a rushing of immature individuals into relationships that will be difficult, even doomed. The ideals of mutual submission and unity are Biblical, but getting there is not a short or easy walk, even with a pastor that preaches verse by verse. It’s a long journey, and for many married persons it will be a long, uphill, painful, humbling journey filled with failure before success.
The beauty of Christian unity is the beauty of Christ, not the beauty of what we are capable of simply because we enter into the marriage relationship or associate with Christians. Christ shows the way and offers forgiveness. In marriage, we need both, all the time.
For Denise and I, the second half of life is going to contain more challenges than we ever anticipated. The journey isn’t over. The empty nest years are not a picnic. Communication patterns that have been dominated by interactions with children and with one another as parents need review. Our spiritual differences in temperament and approach are calling us to more dependence on the unity of the Spirit and more Christ-like humility than we anticipated. We face a special challenge in supporting one another in differing church experiences.
One of the greatest gifts we have received is our shared life here at the ministry where we serve. Our lives here have always revolved around the mission, community and calendar of this ministry. Our own family has always lived in the midst of other families and other people. We’ve had to look beyond ourselves and constantly consider the lives and needs of others. This has not been a distraction from family unity. It has helped us to remember that Jesus always placed family and marriage in the context of Kingdom mission, not just in the context of church as a social club.
Spiritual unity can be an oppressive concept or a growing experience. I am skeptical of those who brag about it as if it were automatic and easy. Like all things in following Jesus, love for a husband or a wife is the path of denying self and following Christ. It is the path of mortifying sin and considering how small things must come under the Lordship of Christ. The greatest obstacles in marriage are those processes where we are the most convinced we are correct and are the least inclined to see the other person as Christ and as Christ sees him or her. The greatest progress in marriage is loving your spouse through the love of Jesus Christ for both of you.
[I hope to write more on this topic, particularly on facing differing beliefs and spiritual paths in the same marriage.]

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