Reflections from Pastor John Cao is a series of poetry and writings from the recently released Chinese Christian prisoner of conscience exclusively published by ChinaAid. The piece below was written on May 6, 2024 and has been minimally edited for clarity. To read more of Pastor John Cao’s poetry, one can purchase the collection written while he was imprisoned, Living Lyrics: Poems from Prison.
In mainland China, “organization” is a proper noun, referring to only one organization. This organization has a powerful appeal. Many people, especially young people, are deeply attracted to this organization and consider joining it to be the highest honor. I was no exception; I also once longed to join this organization. When I was in high school, our class leader joined the Communist Youth League. However, when I was in college, I was still lingering outside the Communist Youth League organization, unable to enter.
In college, the class leader would occasionally announce, “After class, please stay for organizational life, league members.” There were less than thirty students in our class, and by junior year, almost all of them had become league members. The league branch secretary was the class leader, and he was also the only Communist Party member in the class. There were only three people in the class who hadn’t joined the league, and I was one of them. Everyone called us “deep-fried dough sticks”. After the class leader made the announcement about league members having organizational life, the few of us would dejectedly leave the classroom.
Actually, it’s not like I didn’t attend enough meetings. I would always doze off whenever I listened to reports. Therefore, the teacher would always criticize me, saying that I had low political consciousness and was not progressive. Logically, I should have been happy to be spared the suffering of attending meetings, but not being able to participate in organizational life always made me upset, and the other two felt the same. It’s never a good thing for us to be outside the mainstream for a long time. Although no one obviously excluded us, everyone knew that when it came to job assignments after graduation, we might not get good assignments. Sometimes I hated myself for not being motivated, but the fact that I could have this feeling of not being motivated showed that I still had some positive potential. In fact, I had written an application to join the league, but whether I could join the organization was not up to me. When the league members had their organizational life, the three of us would wander outside and grumble together.
One day, the league branch secretary wanted to talk to me, and I felt that my luck was finally coming. I was already a junior, and it was not a good thing to still be an “individual household”. This would affect my job assignment after graduation. If I wasn’t a league member, my chances of being promoted while serving the Communist Party would probably be zero. Before graduation, I had to resolve this issue no matter what. Which good work unit would accept a graduate like me, with poor grades and the political status of the “masses”? I knew the severity of the situation. So when I learned that the league branch secretary wanted to talk to me, I even rushed to memorize a passage from the “Communist Manifesto” and carefully prepared some words on how to express my loyalty.
The league branch secretary’s opening was very warm. He said, “Look, we’re about to develop another batch of league members soon. Everyone is about to graduate. No matter what, I have to do you a favor.” I also took the opportunity to express my loyalty, saying, “Joining the league has been my determination since I entered youth. I have been working hard to read Marx and Lenin’s books, and I have read the ‘Communist Manifesto’ several times.” I also wanted to chat with him about the “Manifesto”, but it seemed like he had never read it. As we talked, he suddenly changed the subject and said, “Recently, someone reported that you are engaging in small groups. That’s not good.” I was shocked to hear this, and my heart cried out, “Not good.” I protested, saying, “No such thing, no such thing.” He showed no facial expression and said, “Didn’t you once say that the Communist Party is supported by everyone’s taxes, so why is it also everyone’s savior?” I did say this, but only in front of the other students who were not league members. The league branch secretary said, “Be more careful when you speak in the future, and especially don’t engage in small groups. You may feel that you are not doing it, but in fact, you are serving that purpose.”
That conversation was like pouring a big bucket of cold water on me. When they had their organizational life with more than twenty people, the few of us gathering together became a small group. From then on, I understood a principle: not everyone can have organizational life. You have to become a member of that organization before you can gather in groups of three or five.
Later, one of the other two people gradually drifted away from me. The other one was still close to me. He was a bit smarter. He said, “It looks like there won’t be a place for the two of us in joining the league this time.” Indeed, before graduating from college, the classmate who had drifted away from me caught the last train and joined the league. In the end, only the two of us were left as part of the “masses”. (The “masses” is a synonym for non-party and non-league members. For example, in mainland China, I often had to fill out various forms in the past, and in the “political status” field, I would fill in “masses”.)
In my senior year, one day, an acquaintance invited me to attend a gathering. To be honest, I’m a rather withdrawn person. I wasn’t interested in gatherings; I was only slightly interested in joining the league. Moreover, if I wasn’t participating in organizational life, I might be mistaken for engaging in small groups again. But my friend said that this gathering had absolutely nothing to do with politics, no one was complaining, and it was mainly about discussing life principles. I said, “Hasn’t Communism already told us the principles of being a person?” He said, “Communism is certainly not bad, but it’s not bad to listen to some other views.” I asked, “What kind of gathering is it exactly?” My friend explained that it was a Christian gathering. I said, “I won’t go. Only those who fell behind the times would engage in that religious stuff.” My friend laughed and said, “Aren’t you someone who fell behind the times? It’s prepared just for you.” I thought there was some truth to that. Didn’t I fall behind the times? I didn’t have much to do that Sunday anyway, so I replied, “Alright, I’ll go. No big deal.”
It was hosted in a very small house, maybe only 20 square meters. When I arrived, it was already packed with people. Looking around, they were basically all old people, with few young people. Everyone first sang songs, and the lyrics and melodies were very moving, not vulgar, encouraging people to love each other. After half an hour or so, a person who looked very rustic began to speak – I later learned that it was called preaching or giving a sermon. Everyone called the person pastor.
The pastor read a passage of Scripture: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
The pastor explained that this passage was spoken by Jesus, so Jesus invites everyone to come to Him. When we come to Jesus, we can obtain deep inner peace. In this life, everyone has burdens. What are burdens? Burdens are what we usually say, “Are you tired of living?” This one word “tired” is the burden. Why do people live so tiredly? It’s because for the sake of fame, fortune, lust, and power, people have to calculate against each other and tell endless lies. Everyone toasts at a dining table, but everyone is doing calculations in their heart, trying to take advantage of other people.
The pastor said that our hearts are controlled by sin, so that greed is a bottomless pit. No matter how much money you earn in this world, your heart will never be satisfied. There is a saying, “People are angered to death by comparing with others.” You have obtained a lot, but when you compare with others, you are still far behind. This comparison, this bottomless pit, is our burden, and it is also sin. Today, Jesus comes to call us to Him, and He gives us peace and joy. It’s not that material things are bad, but that when a person lives only for material things, he will be very tired. In biblical terms, this person is controlled by sin, has no true freedom, and becomes a slave to sin.
After the meeting, everyone stayed for a while to chat. What moved me was that everyone sincerely cared for each other, and there was absolutely no one talking about the faults of others. The pastor saw that it was my first time there and asked me if I liked the gathering here. I blurted out, “Your organizational life here is pretty good. I like it.” I asked him again, “Do you have to become a member here to participate in your organizational life?” He said, “No, you can come whenever you want, and we welcome you anytime.” I thought that was pretty good. I asked again, “What are the conditions for joining your organization?” He said, “We are not an organization, but a family, a church.” He said that to join this family, there is only one condition: to admit that you are a sinner, need God’s help, and are willing to accept Jesus as the mediator between you and God (that is, the introducer between man and God).
I had always thought that God was superstition. I indicated, “You want me to believe in religion. I’m afraid it won’t be that easy.” He said, “I don’t have the ability to make you believe in religion. For you to believe in Jesus Christ as your Lord, only the Holy Spirit can make that happen. Otherwise, no one would accept Jesus as Savior.” I didn’t really understand what he meant. However, I felt good about being able to have organizational life. From then on, I often went to this gathering. The pastor said that the church is prepared for sinners. This suited my taste. I fell behind the times, and this family did not despise me. There were no leaders here, just a pastor. His job was to teach how to love other people. This was more practical than the vague “serve the people” that I had learned. The church told us that everyone is a sinner. Gradually, I could accept this point. I thought, when I wanted to join the league back then, I also didn’t have good motives. My true intention was just to be assigned to a good work unit. Wanting to join the league for a work unit and not for Communism, wasn’t that deceiving the glorious Communist Party and league? Party members and league members are all a group of people with very high moral character, yet I wanted to sneak into this glorious organization. Fortunately, this organization detected my bad motives, so it was natural for them to reject me. I indeed had many sins. I confessed my sins before God and asked God to forgive me. The pastor said, “Alright, knowing that you are a sinner and that you need Jesus to lead your life is enough.” From then on, I was baptized and happily lived the joyful organizational life – living the life of a big family, which is the life of a house church.
One day, the class leader, who was also the league branch secretary, came to talk to me again. Since I no longer sought anything from his organization, I felt indifferent and very relaxed. Unlike last time, his face had no smile at all. He got straight to the point and said, “I heard you joined a religion?” I said yes. He asked, “Why don’t you seek progress and instead let yourself degenerate?” I said, “It’s not that I don’t seek progress. I wanted to join your organization and have your organizational life, but you rejected me. But God does not despise me. Anyone can go and have their organizational life. God accepts anyone who is rejected by the world and is willing to reject the world. Believing in God is not letting oneself degenerate. In fact, I have been rescued from a state of degeneration. I am already a new creation.” He said, “You want to get close to the organization, which is a good thing, but you have to be able to withstand the test of the organization.” I said, “Why can’t you be like Christianity? Anyone who is willing to join can join, without any test.” He said, “Are you joking? If everyone could join our organization, how could our advanced nature be reflected?” I said, “Since you are advanced, there will always be people who fall behind. Then, wouldn’t it be good to leave some space for people like me?” He said, “Do you have any sense of class honor?” I said, “What does my joining the church have to do with class honor?” He remained silent. Later, I learned that my joining the church caused him to fail to be evaluated as an advanced Party member, and that title was snatched away by a Party member from another class.
During our chat, I told him about my experience of having organizational life over there and told him that I was really satisfied. I said, “You smart and capable people join one organization, and we dull people join another organization. We don’t interfere with each other. Isn’t that good? After all, only a little over 60 million people in China can join advanced organizations (now it’s over 90 million). The rest of the people need to have space to have organizational life too.” Seeing me say this, his tone softened. He said, “I am the branch secretary, but this view of mine does not represent the organization. It is my personal opinion. As long as you are happy there, that’s also very good.” I said, “I am an ordinary member, but I can represent our church in saying that the day you get tired of fame and fortune in this world and are willing to come before God, God will surely accept you.”
