Reflections from Pastor John Cao is a series of poetry and writings from the recently released Chinese Christian prisoner of conscience exclusively published by ChinaAid. The pieces below were written on April 20, 2024 and has been minimally edited for clarity. To read more of Pastor John Cao’s poetry, one can purchase the collection written while he was imprisoned, Living Lyrics: Poems from Prison.
Toothache
During my seven years in prison, toothache accompanied me throughout. In the detention center, there was a time when the toothache was unbearable. The police said they would arrange for me to see a dentist outside the next day, but they changed their minds the next day. In Kunming Prison, there is a very beautiful hospital, but it does not provide dental treatment. I didn’t have my teeth cleaned for seven years, so my teeth were severely damaged. Almost none of the prisoners in the prison are without dental problems. I saw two people who had only one tooth left, completely losing their ability to chew. They could only swallow meat whole or tear it into pieces with their hands, and pinch rice into small balls to swallow. Needless to say, they were severely malnourished. Every two months, we could eat beef once, and everyone was happy, but these two people and those with dental problems were worried and sad because they couldn’t chew. Here’s a short poem to commemorate that:
Every two months, when beef is served, everyone is overjoyed,
Yet a few people observe with furrowed brows.
Missing teeth and cavities make swallowing the tough meat painful,
But after gulping it down whole, their faces light up with joy.
The Last Mid-Autumn Festival
I am temporarily absent for the last autumn, many envy my busy preparations[1].
A hundred flowers across the wild fields[2],
a thousand peaks already conquered, abandoning long rest[3].
Frequent dreams of united praise and family joy,
few words to savor the solitude of the narrow path.
Entrusting my thoughts to the gracious wind[4],
at this moment, together hoping for a bountiful harvest[5].
Notes:
- Many people in the same prison, because they still have many years to serve.
- There are still many wild fields.
- Long rest: refers to retirement.
- The gracious wind: refer to the Holy Spirit.
- At this moment: refers to the Mid-Autumn Festival.
This is the last Mid-Autumn Festival where I am absent and unable to reunite with family and friends. Many people in the prison envy me, while I am busy planning for my future life. Now the flowers are in full bloom, and the whole country is thriving, but there are still vast virgin lands waiting for God’s servants to develop. I have climbed over a thousand mountains, but still cannot retire and must continue to climb. I often dream of everyone singing praises together, the joy of the whole family, while I speak few words, enjoying the tranquility of the moment alone. I am happy and entrust the wind of the Holy Spirit to convey my thoughts. At this beautiful moment of the Mid-Autumn Festival, I look forward to harvesting together with everyone.
The Fifth Watch of the Night
Weariness assails, the shallow dish at the fifth watch[1],
Looking up to the heaven, calling out to pour oil into the lamp[2].
The dawn illuminates a new life,
Traversing the world to manifest great power.
Notes:
- The fifth watch: this term is often used in Chinese culture to refer to the period around 3:00 AM to 5:00 AM, meaning its almost dawn. Shallow dish: a vessel for holding oil. Shallow: the oil is about to run out. Metaphorically, a person is exhausted.
- Add some more oil from the Holy Spirit to my vessel.
My imprisonment is nearing its end, and waves of fatigue assail me, my strength is almost depleted. I look up to the heavens and call out, asking God to add oil to my lamp. The sun at dawn will illuminate a new life (after seven years of prison life). I still want to travel the world to manifest God’s great power.
Ode to Fruit Trees
The old farmer inspects the trees, looking at the fruit’s appearance,
Lush shadows and rough branches are merely empty and large[1].
Can a golden cup without a bottom[2] be used to hold water?
Reshaping still requires a special prescription[3].
Notes:
- Lush shadows: the shadows cast by dense branches. Merely empty and large: only having an appearance.
- Bottom: the bottom of the cup.
- Reshaping: pruning the fruit trees.
An old farmer inspects the fruit trees, mainly looking at the fruit they bear. Branches that are dense but without fruit are just a false appearance. Can a golden cup without a bottom be used to hold water? To properly shape the fruit trees to bear fruit, special methods must be used to manage them. Hinting that sinners need to be born again to be saved.
Regardless of the Environment's Sway
Dancing with the wind, embracing all in its play.
Life transforms within the prison, dedicating myself to enlightenment.
Poets chase fiery dreams, apostles start icy journeys,
Burning weeds to ashes[1], the spiritual fruit is abundantly plentiful in heaven.
Notes:
- This line references Matthew 13:40: As the weeds are pulled up and burned in the fire, so it will be at the end of the age.
Reflections on Life
With simplicity and honesty, I was invited to prison,
The door of blessing slowly opens magnificently.
Only through introspection do I realize my childish side,
Only through deep thought do I sincerely appreciate the sieve that removes the chaff.
The narrow path not yet taken, here it is prepared for me,
Observing the fierce fire, accepting the disaster below.
Delightfully growing to understand the world,
God’s words continuously supply the fetus.
Inexperienced in the ways of the world, I was brought to prison in a daze. At this time, the door of blessing slowly opened magnificently. After reflection, I realized the childish side of my life. After deep thought, I sincerely began to appreciate the sieve that removes the chaff (sifting away my pride and lust). The narrow path of trials that I had not experienced before was prepared for me here. Delightfully, I gradually grew here and began to understand accepting fiery trials for the Lord. Delightfully, I began to see through this era. God gives us life, and we rely on God just as a fetus relies on its mother to breathe.
Be Vigilant Against Material Desires
Be vigilant, lest material desires deceive my heart,
Straw sandals tread diligently to the wilderness.
Determined to go on thorny narrow paths,
Widely practicing the proverbs, not chasing after gold.
Be vigilant, do not let material desires deceive my heart. I wear straw sandals and diligently work to develop the wilderness. The more remote the place, the more I want to go, to practice God’s words, without pursuing a life of extravagance and indulgence (Proverbs 8:19).
Drifting
Perhaps falling into a cesspool or drifting onto a meadow,
It all depends on the wind’s whim, blowing as it pleases.
Fragrance always follows nourishing the roots,
Decay transforms into wondrous fruits, filling the forest.
I may fall beside a cesspool or drift onto a green meadow, wherever the wind blows me, so be it! After I nourish the roots of the tree, it will emit a fragrance, transforming decay into something miraculous, and the trees will be filled with fruits.
Overcoming the Wall
Mother, aware of her son’s admiration for scripture,
Frequently sends provisions, scriptures as a ladder over the wall.
For seven years, I haven’t glimpsed the bustling world,
Devoted to studying scripture, inhaling its fragrant essence deeply.
Lying on stones, cleansing ears, listening to celestial melodies,
Distanced from the world’s distractions, merging with the coolness of the furnace.
Mother’s tears neutralize the poison, beneath them, the bitter wine turns sweet,
Like the old steed at the manger, my determination reaches far and wide.
The mother knows that her son admires the words of the Bible, so she frequently sends God’s food, copying Bible verses, as if building a cloud ladder to climb over the wall and deliver them to her son. For seven years, I don’t need to be distracted by the bustling world outside, but immerse myself in prayer and meditation. I am like those ancient apostles who pursued a perfect character, listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit, far from the noise of silk and bamboo, tempering my character in the furnace. My mother’s tears neutralize all the poisonous wine in the prison. The old steed lies in the stable, advancing to the four seas, its steps still powerful and resounding.
