Reflections from Pastor John Cao is a series of poetry and writings from the recently released Chinese Christian prisoner of conscience exclusively published by ChinaAid. The piece below was written on April 3, 2024 and has been minimally edited for clarity. To read more of Pastor John Cao’s poetry, one can purchase the collection written while he was imprisoned, Living Lyrics: Poems from Prison.
I returned home from prison and gained freedom, starting to reintegrate into society. An important sign of reintegration is being able to freely meet friends. When meeting old and new friends, they all expressed care for me, which moved me. The most common concern was urging me to get a physical exam, followed by invitations to feast, trying to help me make up for the delicacies I missed out on in the past seven years. But there was one type of concern that left me not knowing whether to laugh or cry. Some friends said to me in a lowered voice, “You need to keep a low profile. They are definitely still watching you.”
I once went to a house church for Sunday worship. After the service, I took the initiative to greet the young pastor. His only response to me was: “You need to keep a low profile.” I greatly admire his ministry. In the current environment, he is still able to lead everyone in offline, in-person church gatherings, which requires a lot of courage and wisdom. I thanked him for his concern, and I also understood his subtext. I don’t want to bring him any unnecessary trouble. My greatest wish is for him and the church he leads to safely exist.
Out of safety considerations, some brothers and sisters are unwilling to publicly meet with me or serve together. I completely understand. I don’t think I’m more spiritual, braver than them, or that they are less spiritual or lacking in courage because of their caution. I think they are all my good brothers and sisters. I also don’t want to bring unnecessary trouble to anyone, unless they voluntarily interact with me.
I have a middle school classmate whom I hadn’t seen in 50 years. During my imprisonment, I don’t know how he found out I was serving a sentence, but he actually found my mother and visited her many times. He is not even a Christian. He firmly believes I am a good person, so he sympathized with me and came to visit the mother of his imprisoned classmate to express his support for me. During my imprisonment, hundreds of brothers and sisters from all over the country came to visit my mother to show their support for me. Most of them I don’t even know. Countless of brothers and sisters called and wrote letters from China and abroad. After my release, this middle school classmate came to see me twice in just two short weeks. He told me yesterday that the Public Security Bureau had just found him to inquire about his visits to me.
So everyone’s intuition is correct – the Public Security Bureau is indeed still watching me. In fact, on March 4th, the day of my release, Kunming Prison did not directly release me, but handed me over to the Dingwangtai Office of Justice and Dingwangtai Police Station in Changsha City, Hunan Province. The directors of these two offices told me that according to the law, they have to supervise me for five years. Later my lawyer told me that China has no such law at all. Regardless of whether China has such a law, the two directors clearly told me they would supervise me for up to five years. I also told everyone who came to visit me that I have a five-year supervision period. I don’t want to harm anyone.
A brother said to me in a lowered voice, you need to keep a low profile. Now you’re doing interviews with Voice of America and Radio Free Asia – they will retaliate against you. Maybe they were going to restore your household registration and give you an ID card, but if you publicly talk about your plight like this, you may not be able to leave at all. I thanked him for his well-meaning reminder. I said, as a law-abiding citizen, I don’t have the ID card that all 1.4 billion Chinese people have – I’m just venting a bit, is that so serious? He said the environment now is completely different from when you went to prison seven years ago. In any case, be careful.
I love my motherland, and I fully accept my country’s Constitution. This is a fact recognized even by my opponents. The best way to love the motherland is to be able to freely travel around and appreciate its beautiful mountains and rivers. The best way to love the motherland is to be able to find a job, serve the country, and pay taxes. But because I don’t have an ID card, none of this is possible.
